


Do you remember?

by going_dangerous



Category: KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-16
Updated: 2012-03-16
Packaged: 2017-11-02 00:36:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/363083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/going_dangerous/pseuds/going_dangerous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A relationship is never easy, from the start to the end it’s a bumpy road that each of us had to deal with in their own way. And if that relationship is between two top idols, it’s even more confusing and hard to make it work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do you remember?

**Author's Note:**

> A series of drabbles related to each other, forming a story of the said couple. It’s written from Kame’s POV.

~ Real Face ~

Hey, Jin, do you remember? Do you still remember when you confessed to me?  
I still remember those feelings that lied between us, those words you said to me, the loving look in your eyes and the warmth of your hand. It happened so long ago, yet I still remember it vividly.  
It was in Okinawa, in a small green tent, right there on the beach when you said ‘I like you’ for the first time. Right now, years after, as I recall that memory, the same deep feelings invade my whole body.  
The warm feeling swelling in my belly when you took my hand in yours as you said those words, the small kisses you pressed onto each of my fingertips, even the slight blush that you so desperately tried to hide from me. I still remember it. All of it.  
The butterflies flying in my stomach as I replied with ‘I like you back’, even if that was the hardest thing I did in my life until then. My answer brought that bright smile on your face and then you kissed me. Warm, gentle and a little bit hesitant. Do you know that was my first kiss? Do you know that even now, when I think back at that moment, that simple, far away memory stirs something inside my heart?  
Then, I didn’t know much about love or any kind of feelings. I didn’t knew how I should react to the kiss, to the affection you were showing me. I just knew that my heart started beating faster each time you looked my way, each time you touched me, each time you flashed one of your goofy smiles. And you know what? Now that I’ve become more knowledgeable, I think it was love.  
Not the kind of love between friends, but more than that, even at that young age. I think I’ve felt it for the first time when you brought me into your arms, both of us in the same sleeping bag, the sound of the waves shattering onto the shore and our breaths mixed together. It was a beautiful and meaningful night for me. The peace, the joy and the warmth you managed to send me through that kiss and through your soft touch.  
That was the time when you finally showed me the real you, and I’m grateful for it. I discovered a more loving, cute and caring person that night when you told me your deepest secrets and your biggest fears. I felt so close to you, physically and emotionally.  
All of it lingers in my memory, from the beginning to the end.  
Do you still remember me?

~ Signal ~

It was a rainy afternoon, in one of our few days off when we met to pay Tackey a visit. And that’s when you snapped at me. I didn’t know then what caused you to do so, nor did I understand your behavior at all. I was so young and clueless back then…  
You haven’t spoken with me for days and when you did, you actually threw at me some heavy words that I didn’t quite get then. You said that I was playing with you and your heart, but that wasn’t the case. After that night in Okinawa, everything changed for me. Even the way my parents or my brothers looked at me seemed different. I had this strange feeling that everyone around me started to look at me strangely, as if they knew what happened between us two in that small tent.  
I was confused and scared. I was baffled by everything surrounding me and just doing my best at school and at work. I drowned myself in other distractions, as long as I could avoid you, Jin. Can you blame me for being young and clueless? Because I definitely can’t blame you for anything. Not even now, when a lot of things happened between us.  
Good thing that Tackey was so kind and patient with us, as ever. He first laughed at our childish behavior and then, turning serious, he actually comforted us both. Say, Jin, do you remember his words exactly? He said “You guys care for each other more than any of the people around you will ever understand. The bond that you share is stronger than life itself. You should treasure that.”  
Even then, his wise and deep words stirred a lot of unknown emotion inside our hearts. I remember you, Jin, mocking him at first, saying that he was jealous of our relationship. And I was so ashamed when you pulled me into a tight hug right there, in front of our senpai. But you know what? I don’t regret it at all. Because that was the signal I was waiting for.  
I needed assurance, I needed a tight hug or a couple of warm words, and I needed them from you. And right there, caught in that tight hug, I finally understood. I only needed you near me, giving me strength to move forward, to love you and to be loved back. After you broke the hug and Tackey gently ruffled our hair, I took a look good at your eyes. You look was so warm and full of love that I felt my knees so weak and my heart beating erratically.  
Then, when you gently caressed my hand, it all felt better. Everything around us disappeared. It was just you and me, caught in that moment. It was beautiful.

~ Bokura No Machi De ~

It’s a little funny that we grew up in the same city, so close to each other and never got the change to meet one another before the audition. I was thinking about that, what if we never met that November day, would we still had a chance to meet otherwise? Would we still run into each other and became friends? Or would we pass each other without a glance, continuing our road?  
If I would have asked you, I’m sure your answer would be definitely a positive one, but I don’t really believe in faith that much. I think sometimes we make our own faith. And all of our actions lead us to where we are today. And I think that’s what happened in all of our history together.  
Those times when we were practically inseparable, spending all day at work together only to end up sleeping at each other’s place, welcomed by our families. I think we must’ve looked like such great buddies back then. Only it was more than that. The endless talks, planning the future, our future together brought us closer. It wasn’t just about individuality anymore. Everything was about us; about us as together as something more than just friends.  
We didn’t knew back then, and to be honest, I don’t think I ever cared what we or the whole world called the type of relationship we shared. It was enough for me to know that I was more important that any of your friends, than any of our colleagues or band mates. I would lose myself in those chaste kisses we shared, lying in the same bed, in the dark, afraid of being seen by our families.  
It was more than enough for me at that time just to share those hidden, secret kisses or the frugal touches and looks when someone was around us. And you know why? Because it was you, Jin, who I shared those with. 

~ Yorokobi no Uta ~

Hey, Jin. Do you remember the Gokusen audition? I was so happy when the manager suggested that we both should go for it. I knew there was a chance for each of us to fail, but I couldn’t help myself from feeling overjoyed and hopeful about it. When you came to pick me up that day, you looked troubled. I kissed your lips a couple of times, then I assured you that everything will be all right. That’s because I really felt good about the whole thing. And you, sheepishly smiling at me, brought our lips together in a more passionate kiss.  
I still don’t know how you did it, but every time I felt your lips against mine, or that playful tongue of your coaxing mine, I felt butterflies in my stomach and a warm feeling spreading all over my body. And I thought that was pure bliss, happiness. But you proved me wrong once you broke the kiss and rested your forehead against mine. ‘I love you, Kazu.’ Those words came our perfectly out of your mouth, clearly than anything I heard in my life, but it still felt surreal. I almost forgot how to breathe, and my heart surely skipped more than one beat.  
That’s when I get it, I truly felt it: the song of happiness which was you’re the sound of your breath, so close to my ear when you brought me into a tight hug. That’s when I replied with the same words, your intoxicating smell almost burning my nostrils. I never wanted to break that hug, the immense happiness following that statement of yours. I wanted to stay there for a little while, wrapped up in your arms, resting my head in the crook of your neck and just hearing your steady breath. Our bodies glued together seemed like one, our hearts linked together by this feeling called love.  
Do you remember what you said to me next? ‘There’s nothing in the world that could break this bond that we’re sharing. There’s no one who can make me feel as happy as you, Kazu.’ And with that, you sealed that promise with another kiss, this time your hands caressing my body, every single touch warm and gentle, as the kiss was. I wonder now, after all those years if you still remember it vividly as I am, or if it was just another thing said in the spur of the moment…

~Keep the Faith~

The hardest time in our relationship, like in any other, was the separation, the distance. At the beginning of the year, I thought 2006 was a good one. I had you by my side, my family and friends and I had my job. It couldn’t get better than that. No, but it could get worse. And it did, the moment I heard you were leaving… Leaving the band, leaving your loved ones behind, leaving the country… leaving me. I must’ve been so selfish, but I cared much more about us, about what this separation would mean for us.  
You promised me, with tears in your eyes that everything will be all right. That the time and distance couldn’t affect what we had. I wanted so much to believe that, to assure you it was ok, that I was cool with it, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie to you. It was not ok, it was far from that to be honest. The thorns wrapped around my heart stung like hell, only at the thought of losing you. Facing that as one of the possibilities was more than I could handle.  
I broke down and cried, on a familiar couch in your living room, curled in your lap. My hands fisted your shirt as you whispered assuring things to my ear. It wasn’t helping at all. Not when I knew that I couldn’t go on without you. I just couldn’t face the world once you were out of my reach, out of my life. I voiced my insecurities through tears and sobs and you lifted my head to reach your level. I stared for a moment into your dark orbs, my own eyes clouded by tears. You wiped the tears away and with an assuring smile you whispered ‘Have faith in me, in us.’ I managed a small nod right before I felt your lips on mine once again.  
We’ve changed so much through the years, so visibly that even ourselves noticed it clearly. We weren’t kids anymore and you knew better than me, when you often told me that over the phone. Those long phone calls in the middle of the night, you forgetting about the time zone, saying how much you missed me were the thing that kept me going even if you weren’t beside me. And slowly, I started to believe your words, to believe in us.  
Because no matter how much we’ve changed, no matter how many obstacle we’ve surpassed, in the end we had each other and that was all that mattered. That was all that brought me happiness, that was all because I had you in my life. A smile stretches on my lips at that memory, how the simple sound of your voice made me forget all the longing and the pain of the separation. I didn’t lose you back then, in fact that made us stronger, deepening our bond.  
Say, Jin… Do you remember all of the promises you made in those six months, all of the affectionate words you spoke through the phone? Those long plans for a future together, for a life full of happiness that we both deserved? You told me back then that you’ll never let go of me again, that you’ll never be gone like that ever again. You whined how much you missed me, how many times you closed your eyes and just whished that I was there with you… 

~Lips~

Ah, the day of the press conference announcing your return to Japan and into the band. That was one of the best days in my life. I didn’t had a chance to see you until then, due to my busy schedule. But when my eyes laid on your form, I could almost scream of happiness. You were back, you were in front of me, more beautiful than ever, with a different attitude, but still the same childish man I fall in love with.  
I stared at you for the longest time, right before we went into the conference hall. I stared at your eyes who looked at me with curiosity and warmth, I studied your features and I couldn’t tear my eyes from your soft lips. I wanted to kiss them right then and there, claiming them as mine. I fought the urge to do that, instead licking my own pair in expectation for later.  
Then you kind of sensed this, like you did in the past also, without any word you would just know what I want. In the spare 10 minutes we had until the event, you excused us both and dragged me to one of the empty room there. You attacked my lips as soon as the door closed behind us, leaving me no room to escape, no room to breathe, no room to feel or think anything other than you. You, all around me, caressing me, groping my ass, kissing me on my lips, on my face, on my neck. ‘God, I really missed you.’ You told me, looking into my eyes so intense that I could feel my body trembling. I replied with the same words, pulling you closer into yet another kiss, this time my own tongue dominating it.  
I was so addicted to you plumped and soft lips, always wishing for them to stay on my body, be it my own pair, my face, my neck or every single patch of skin you could lay them upon. The softness and the warmth you use them with always makes my head spin in pure pleasure. ‘Don’t ever let go.’ I thought then, closing my arms around your neck, pulling you so close that our bodies melted into one another. I was aware of how much you loved me back, but still, my own insecurities made me possessive in some way.  
You broke the hug and cupped my face, placing a few wet kisses randomly, before you voiced out ‘I love your lips. I love you so much!’ Funny how you always had the power to say things so straightforward, in this case letting out the things I wanted to say for so long. I moaned as you kissed the sensitive skin of my neck, right beneath the ear. You giggled and pulled back, not without teasing the spot a little with your warm breath.  
All though the conference, I still couldn’t take my eyes of your enticing lips. I didn’t care if I was obvious or not, I didn’t care about anything else in those moments. You had me fallen for you deeper with each kiss and those pair of luscious lips are a big reason for it. 

~Don’t U Ever Stop~

Say, Jin. Do you remember our first time? The time when we truly became one?  
Not those frugal handjobs in some toilet stall or those mind-blowing blowjobs we used to perform on each other for so long, but the time when I gave you all of me and in return you showered me with so much love that I could barely keep my head clear. I never was a hopelessly romantic person, but you brought that out of me, like you usually do with a lot of things.  
I was surprised when I came home one night, at my own apartment, to see it drowned in the light of a hundred candles. Right from the genkan, creating a path to the living room. It was beautiful, like in some sort of American love story, a little bit sappy and cliché, but it didn’t matter to me. I took the longest time to fully grasp that moment and a smile reached my lips. It didn’t matter that I was tired or that I had a little fight with Ueda that day. I suddenly felt better as I followed that path and saw you in the living room.  
The bright smile on your face said it all. You were happy because I was too, because I enjoyed your surprise. You didn’t bother to buy champagne, knowing that I wouldn’t like it that much. Instead, you went for energy drinks that you knew I was into at that time. I giggled, seeing you approaching me with those two plastic bottles in your hands. I took one of them that you offered, laughing hard when you tried to clank them together.  
‘For us!’ you said, allowing us to take a sip before leading the way to the bedroom, where another surprise awaited me. Knowing my fascination about the Universe, stargazing and starry sky, you bought me a planetarium. I was speechless. I just stared at the projection on my ceiling for a long moment until I could voice out my appreciations for it. You guide me to lie down onto the bed, for a better view. You were lying beside me, taking my hand in your own and bringing it to your lips for a brief kiss. I was so happy, truly happy.  
I can’t remember exactly when or how our clothes ended up on the floor, but I remember each and every one of your maddening kisses and soft touches all over my body. It felt so good, yet I was a bit scared about what would come next. With the imposing garments out of the way, I was at your mercy, I was yours to take. I trusted you to be as gentle as ever, yet the fear of the unknown was taking its toll on me.  
You kissed my lips gently, no tongue, assuring me it will be all right. I spread my legs, making room for you to slip between them. Your body fitted perfectly, like a glove. I moaned as our members rubbed against each other. We were both hard, both in need of that friction, in need of more… just more. My head war already spinning, those emotions overwhelming me. You began the preparation, gently as your touch and you kiss was. One finger intruding in my most private area, crushing the last defense I had left. A second finger and you started a scissoring motion. It hurt, it was strange and still, it felt so right at the same time.  
You asked me if I was ok, so concerned and gentle that it made my heart skip a beat. I nodded and brought your head closer, so I could feel those lips upon mine again. When you were finally inside me to the hilt, I could no longer distinguish between pain and pleasure. Your groan muffled by our lips still glued together, your member inside me and your hands closed around my erection really blew my mind.  
The first thrust was deep, hitting a spot I never knew that could send ripples of pleasure through my body. I moaned hard, my hands gripping your shoulders tightly and I just surrendered to the burning lust, desire and passion we felt. Our kiss became sloppy, the pace of your thrust and the pumping of my shaft increasing and I felt so close, so good, so… complete.  
My name came out like a mantra between your heavy pants for air, brushing hot air on that spot beneath my ear, while I couldn’t control my moans anymore. I felt the lump of pleasure building up in my stomach, the maddening roll of your hips ticking me off. I came hard, with your name on my lips, drops of sweat covering my whole body. My vision blurred for a while, but I still heard your groans as you thrusted a few more times and emptied your load inside me.  
I felt the pure bliss then. You collapsed on top of my body, riding your orgasm in the hottest way possible for me. ‘I love you so much.’ you let out sincerely, sparkles playing in your dark orbs. You nuzzled our noses before bringing our lips into another kiss. I replied, wrapping my arms around your body, wanting to hold you still, to hold you there for a while. You purred against my ear and I couldn’t suppress a sharp giggle.

~White X’Mas~

Hey, Jin. Do you remember the first and last Christmas we spend together with our families? It was your idea to have a reunion at my parents place, celebrating this holiday like a true extended family. It wasn’t by far your normal type of family, but I thought it would work. We were both so excited about it, like a kid receiving a new toy or something. That bright smile on your face when we stepped through the front door was all worth it.  
The dinner was wonderful, seeing our loved ones smiling happily, lovingly around us was the best present ever. They were so thrilled they got to see us equally glowing with joy. Your mother always had this habit or ruffling your hair like a little kid’s, even if you were already a grown up man. My heart swelled with love at that sight. I wished I could be as carefree as your family, being able to touch your freely like that, expressing these feeling that only grew in time.  
You threw me a knowing look and reached for my hand under the table, taking it into yours, giving it an assuring squeeze. Then you cleared your voice, drawing the attention upon yourself, and you said it. You told our families we were in love, that we were dating for a while now, that we were a couple. The silence and the shock that followed assured me of one thing: the world wasn’t ready for this kind of news, nor our families and friends.  
I could read the disappointment in my mother’s eyes and the burning rage on my father’s face. It hurt, more than I would like to admit it. You lowered your head, bowing deeply and urged me to follow your lead, still holding my hand tightly. And I did, I put my trust in that gesture, only it didn’t do much. Neither the words of apology that followed from the both of us. It was all in vain.  
You know, I was quite jealous once again of your parents. After the initial shock, they gave us their blessing, as if it was the normal thing to do. While my own parents never threw me a second glance, trying to let the news sink into their mind. I wished my own family would support me in any way possible, like yours does. I wished that they could see past their second son’s happy marriage and accept the fact that I wouldn’t want any other person in my life except you.  
I remember that it was indeed a white Christmas, the snowy streets passing by in a hurry in front of my eyes, as you drove us home. It was all covered in white, but inside my heart was a black hole that threatened to suck the life out of me. Once again, you saw through my pain and disappointment; you read me like an open book. With a warm hand on my shoulder, you assured me once again that it will be ok, that they will eventually come around and accept us. You said that they loved me and that was reason enough…

~One Drop~

The next months after the Christmas incident were really hard on me. I sometimes cried for apparently no reason at all, like when I threw a glance through the large windows in the apartment that we shared. But you knew better, you knew that it wasn’t for no reason at all. You offered your help, many times distracting me for the suffocating feeling. And it worked, like many times before. I could forget about the whole word when your lips landed on mine, or when your hands rested on my body. But as soon as those moments were over, I used to go back to my old, depressed self.  
Until one day when you took me out for a date, but instead we ended up at my parents’ front door. I wanted to turn around and just leave, but you urged me to go through with it, throwing assuring remarks. You ranged the doorbell and to my surprise, it wasn’t my mother that came to answer it, but my father. You gently brushed my back, nudging me to say or do something as I just stood there and looked into his eyes. And I did the best think I could: I bowed deeply, apologizing for everything.  
My father lifted my head and invited us in, this time calmer with no trace of that anger in his eyes. When we slipped out of our shoes, my mother appeared in the genkan, hugging me tight and then hugging you also, announcing that she made your favorite pasta. That’s when they told me how you came to visit them a few times already, asking them to reconsider the whole thing, asking for forgiveness, explaining them how we just couldn’t choose who we love.  
You did that for me, I realized. You risked being kicked out by my father or beaten up by my older brothers, just to make me happy. I felt how tears filled my eyes and I couldn’t contain them much. They started sliding down my cheeks as my father referred to you as ‘Jin-kun’. I couldn’t express how I felt in that moment in any other way than a mixture of feelings spreading through my entire body. You wrapped a hand around my shoulder and kissed the top of my hair, making my mother giggle and my father clearing his voice in a much too obvious mocking tone. 

~Rescue~

Say, Jin. Do you remember when you announced your leaving to the boys? I knew about it so I had time to prepare myself a bit. But they didn’t and that caught them off-guard. There was yelling, sulking and a lot of disappointment looks from them. I wouldn’t see it any other way, actually. We’re actually a bunch with such different personalities that it’s impossible for us to be perfectly all right all the time. You took it all without a word, dropping your head and apologizing deeply.  
All of those times you rescued me from one trouble or the other came rushing down my head and I just had to step out for you. That was my chance to prove myself worthy to you. I knew I was risking a lot, the boys starting to have doubts and all, maybe even questioning the type of relationship we really had, but I didn’t care at that time. I had to be there for you, I just had to show you my support.  
As I explained them as best as I could the way I saw things, the good and the bad sides alike, they all just listened in perfectly silence. You watched me with widened eyes, a spark in them as I poured my soul for all of you to see it. I don’t regret any of the things I said, I don’t regret saying to them how much we cared for each other first as a family and only after as band mates.  
I told them how that doesn’t change after one of us leaves the ship we embarked at the start of our journey. I explained how even if we took different roads from now on, the destination will never change. That this bond the six of us shared for ten years will never change. It couldn’t change that easily, with one of us taking another path.  
They all nodded hearing my words, shaking your hand soon after, wishing you the best. Of course, there were still a lot of questions unanswered, a lot of things that needed to be cleared up, but in that moment all of us saw through the thin layer of lies and cover ups around us. All of us saw the only certain truth in all this: that we were a family after all, one that will not break down that easily. We held each other’s gaze for a few moments, your warm eyes expressing the gratitude all over and your smile making it worth it.

~Love Yourself~

The first time I saw you close with a girl was a few weeks after we met, a few weeks after the audition that changed our lives forever. She was a cute schoolgirl younger than you, probably your kouhai at school. She was all over you, holding your arm tightly while trying to get every bit of your attention by acting cute and smiling widely. And you just took her lead and let that bright smile shine on your face.  
We weren’t really close back then and to be completely honest, I didn’t care that much seeing you with her around the city, when we bumped into each other. But I found fascinating how you could charm everyone around you with minimal effort, the girl and me included. It was like you had this talent to direct people’s interest toward you in an instant, with just a wave of your hand and a pretty smile.  
I don’t think I was jealous as that time, it wasn’t until later that I discovered that feeling. But by the surprised look you had on when your eyes caught mine, there on the street, I must’ve acted surprised or something. You just pushed the girl away and with an apologetic smile you brushed her off. Showing me a peace sign, you asked if I was heading home and even offered to walk me there. I smiled and gladly accepted your offer, knowing it would give us more time to bond, to learn things about each other. You ruffled my hair a bit and led the way.  
But it wasn’t always like that. Of course there were casual flings, unrequited puppy love or even necessary publicity with some girls along the way. There were many things we needed to do in order to keep our relationship growing, but in the same time keeping the secret. Since we both agreed to make it work, I think it was the right choice to go the extend of doing a lot of thing we wouldn’t normally do otherwise, in order to preserve the real bond we had. I never felt the hideous feeling of jealousy until one day when you brought one of your many girl friends at a drinking party scheduled with the band.  
We barely had time to get together like that, all six of us, and it was a big deal for all of us. Except for you, who didn’t exactly grasped the concept of ‘boys only’ or ‘band members only’. The boys welcomed her nicely, trying to make it sound like she didn’t intrude or something as I tried to just ignore the two of them, arguing how I was in fact pretty tired.  
But the truth was that I was burning inside. I was so jealous I couldn’t control my anger if I were to say something. It wasn’t because of her, actually she was kind of cool; and it wasn’t just because you brought her without even caring about our opinions, about my opinion. It was something more. It was something I only realized when she was next to you. You looked amazing with her next to you.  
I couldn’t stop my mind from picturing a nice family breakfast, you two looking dazzling and happy… That’s when I couldn’t contain my fears and I excused myself, heading for the restroom of the restaurant we were into. I realized that sooner or later we would wake up from our fantasy. One day one of us will fall for one amazing girl and marry her, leaving the other behind. And you know what? I actually looked into the mirror with insecurity. I could never compare myself with a girl. I could never look like a part of your family, I could never hold your hand on the street or stole a kiss from you. I could never give you a child. I could never say publicly how much I love you or how much we shared together over the years. Suddenly I felt you were better off me, in a way. But the selfishness inside me wouldn’t want to let you go. I saw tears running down my cheeks, wetting them in an instant.  
You came after me and you found me with my arms supporting my weight onto the sink and looking at my reflection into the mirror. You asked me what’s wrong and I hesitated at first. You came closer and wrapped an arm around my stomach, while you caressed my hair with the other. You looked at my reflection into the mirror and waited for my answer. I saw how your eyes softened as I told you my insecurities, your hold on my body tightening with every single word I said. You kissed my cheek lovingly and tried to assure me that wasn’t the case, that you only loved me and couldn’t imagine loving another person anymore. But not even your soothing words could calm my heart back then. I was too afraid to lose you… 

~Going!~

Hey, Jin, do you remember all the promises you made? Do you remember us the way we used to be?  
It was the night before your flight was scheduled. Everything was prepared for your American debut. Everything was set in motion and you were so happy. I was so happy for you. But I couldn’t ignore the pang in my heart at the imminent parting. Didn’t we go through this once? Wasn’t it enough? That’s what I thought when I let my mind wander more than it was necessary. I was so afraid of losing you and now it was finally happening… Not in the way I predicted it would, but still a second separation couldn’t do us any good.  
You held me in your arms tightly, close like never before and I held you back just as tightly; as if you would just vanish if I tightened my hold. A lot of meaningless talks about our daily routine or funny stories were said and neither one of us wanted to change the subject. On a familiar bed, the whiteness of our countless passionate nights, you held me like I was the most precious person in the world. You were the one to break the heavy silence laid over us.  
‘No matter where I am, you will always be inside my heart and my head. No one can get you out of there.’ You promised, placing a soft kiss on my forehead. And I believed you. I believed in us. Your words calmed me down and I soon surrendered to sleep, inhaling you sweet scent, still wrapped up in your embrace.

~Change Ur World~

We all change, one way or the other. We grow old and we grow apart from the people we once came to appreciate or love. I’m really aware of that fact, and I could never say that I couldn’t see how those changes affected us. I thought it was normal, that every couple in the world goes through these changes. After all, I think those are times in which the partners can prove one another that the connection in there and it’s worth it. But that wasn’t our case.  
I never thought that a different culture could influence you so much. It wasn’t even your first contact with it and I strongly believed you wouldn’t change so much. I thought it would be like the first time you left. I never expected any more or any less.  
The first couple of months were hard, but bearable, knowing what to expect. As always I had my work to rely on, as well as my friends. Talking to you over the phone or skype was making it bearable and the cute emails you’ve send me brightened my days. It was later when I started noticing the first change. In your voice, in the way you wrote to me and even in the way you addressed me. I wasn’t very concerned about it as first, blaming the stress and the loads of work you had.  
I also changed in those months. I started thinking more and more about the great times we’ve spend together and less about the painful memories. I kept you in my heart, but I tried to get you out of my mind as much as it was possible. I even told you that, remember? You let out a surprised ‘ah’ and told me I did the right thing. Maybe I did, but maybe I didn’t. Not when you told me about this girl, one of your dancers…  
I could feel from the sound of your voice that you were excited, that it was more than a casual fling or a best friend to you. I let the disappointment crept in my heart and stood silent. For a few more minutes, an awkward silence laid between us, I could only hear your breathing on the other line of the phone. Then, with tears filling my eyes, threatening to fall down any minute, I’ve said it: ‘I’m happy for you, Jin.’, ending the call…  
It wasn’t until I finally cried it all out that I realized that meant the end for us. That meant my fear all came true. You weren’t returning to my arms all smiling and happy anymore. You weren’t mine to begin with. I pulled myself together and send you one last email, pouring my heart in it. I told you about my fears, my insecurities, my love for you, my appreciation for you. I ended it with a ‘I’m sure we will be all right, going our separate ways.’ And you didn’t reply to that.

~Ultimate Wheels~

I always tried to follow your activities as much as I could. With an ocean between us and no ways of direct communication, I resorted to internet and of course, asking whoever was willing to share any piece of information with me. I got used to not talking to you, I even learned to not miss your crazy emails. It still hurt harder that I’d like to, in those moments when I let my mind imagine things and think more than I’d ever wanted to.  
Leaving my suffering apart, I was glad and happy for your success. You were glowing; you were doing what you wanted to for a long time. You were in your element and seemed more pleased than ever. I thought that must be the right path for you, seeing that bright smile on your face. It was all worth it. Maybe the change wasn’t so wrong for you, but I still had my regrets of what it did to us.  
I pushed that thought in the back of my head, letting it surface only when I was alone in my house, surrounded by tons of memories. For a while I wanted to hate you for breaking your promises, for making them sound like a bunch of words thrown out just to be said, but I couldn’t. I could never hate you, not for one second when I love you so much…  
I kept drowning myself in work and other distractions, still trying to keep a clear head and avoiding worrying those around me. Until one day, when I got an unexpected mail from you. It didn’t say anything else but ‘It is ok if I call you?’ I immediately replied with the safest thing I could think of. I told you I was at work and that I was busy. It was an obvious lie, but it was subtle enough for you to get it. It didn’t really took you long to reply, still short and colder than you used to write me. ‘I miss you.’ That’s all it said and it also had a photo attachment, a picture of yourself in a park, hugging a giant stone turtle which was colored red. I had to shake my head and muster a smile. I didn’t reply though…

~Run For You~

Say, Jin. Do you remember our bumpy road to where we are finally today? Do you remember it all, just as vividly as I am?  
Apparently, no matter how much you changed over the years, you stubbornness and childish attitude will still remain the same. You took the hint when I lied about being busy and couldn’t take your call. But that didn’t stop you. Neither my lack of replies to your mails who kept getting funnier by the day. I started feeling like a high school girl waiting for her first boyfriend to send her through email a picture of the sky or random funny stuff happening over the day. Not only once I caught myself giggling at yet another funny face of yours, with a short text saying ‘ba~ka~’ or something like that.  
Until one day, when out of the blue it wasn’t a message, but a call. I looked at the display of my cell phone for a long moment before taking a deep breath and finally answering it. You were in a good mood, I could tell that just by the first greeting and the sound of your voice. God, how much I did miss your voice, I only realized it in that moment. You started with ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I miss you’, things I could relate to very easy. I kept silent, wanting to hear your voice more than ever. A moment of heavy silence followed and then you said it. ‘I love you, Kazu.’ It kept ringing into my head for more than a few times, until I could finally speak. I told you I love you too, but that doesn’t change anything. You agreed, with that low voice of yours. But it could change a lot of things, if only would want it to, you added and it was my turn to agree to that.  
It could and it would, if only we could go back to old day, if we could have our innocence back. If we could start again with that untainted love we felt many years back. I closed my eyes and heaved a long and shaky sigh as soon as I ended the call. For some reason, I felt cold. I felt empty and I couldn’t stop thinking about your words; those words I swore not to believe in anymore, yet there I was, ready to surrender once again.

~Birth~

One night, after finally wrapping the filming of our next PV, I went to celebrate with the guys. I had a few more drinks that the usual and I preferred to take a cab back home. Even if it was dark outside and my vision a bit clouded by the alcohol, I could still distinguish the shape of a car in the drive alley, shielded a bit by the poplars around there. It wasn’t a car that I would recognize immediately so after I paid the cab driver and he took off, I approached the car and studied it for a bit. It was new and definitely unfamiliar. I frowned for a second, expecting to at least find the driver in there, but there was no one inside. I started pacing towards the front door, not really sure what I would find.  
Except for my family and you, no one had a spare key to it. But you were so far away, there wasn’t any chance in the world to be in the same place at once. Not to mention about your arrival being all over the news if that was the case. I got in, taking my shoes off and making a face at the pink snickers already there. Definitely your number and without a doubt, your fashion taste. I gasped, realizing how wrong I was before. You did it, you managed to come back unnoticed, to surprise me by finding you right there in my house of all places.  
I rushed through the corridor, into every room available, searching for you. In the absolute silence of the night, only my footsteps and the sound of my rustling clothes were heard. I finally reached the bedroom and you were there, lying in my bed, eyes pinned to the projection of the planetarium on the ceiling. Without any words, I took my time to study your features. I really missed you like hell. I could feel the pain rushing into my system just at the thought of those countless night when I wanted nothing more than you to be there with me.  
You welcomed me, like you used to do before when you were the one to reach our love nest first. I replied and took a few steps forward, still eying your lying form. It was awkward and a bit uncomfortable, being so close yet so far away. Having your loved one next to you after a long time, but not knowing what to do or what to expect.  
You finally got up and approached me, a small sparkle in your eyes that I couldn’t recognize anymore. Has it been that long that I couldn’t even read you well? I expected a lot of things to happen when you carefully steeped closed, but the thing you did. You stretched your hand toward me and automatically I took it, shaking it lightly. ‘Hi, my name is Akanishi Jin. I’m a bit stupid when it comes to my private life and I’m not a very reliable person. I screw up many times in my life, but never like this. I’m ready for any kind of punishment that doesn’t involve having you out of my life.’ Your words took me by surprise. I gasped, ready to reply, but I just couldn’t. You came back to Japan, back to me and instead of showing me how much you’ve missed me, you offered me a new beginning. You offered me a honest relationship, right from the start, a new and better start.  
I pulled you by the hand I was still holding and crushed our bodies in a tight hug. Your arms instantly wrapped around my waist as mine climbed up to rest around your neck. You held my gaze for a few seconds before crushing our lips together, a needy and passionate kiss right from the start. Who was I to refuse the birth of a new relationship or the rebirth of an old one which held so many meanings to the both of us?

~Bandage~

The wounds heal in time, but there are also the wounds of the heart, which in many cases can’t be fixed by applying a bandage over it. Sometimes it takes more than that and other times it only takes a few small steps towards healing it. Like in our case, the thing we were both afraid of that night when you came back it was actually the answer to our broken hearts.  
It wasn’t until a couple more drinks and a lot of truths were revealed that you finally brought that subject upon discussion. How was I going to cope with the fact that you weren’t the same as the Jin that left the country still being truthful to me. Through half opened eyes, clouded by the alcohol more than I’d like to admit, I said that the only thing we could do was try. Try to be closed again and only then judge if this will still work. I longed for your touch and I could see you were also restraining yourself from something more than a few kisses.  
I was the one to take the first step, shifting a little closer on the couch, closer and closer to you. You responded as well when I leaned closer and our lips sealed together in a brief kiss. I wouldn’t normally need to do this, you were always the one to jump on me or at least make your intentions known. I was determined to be the one leading this time, to let you know that I want to make it work just as much as you wanted. Pulling back from the kiss, I opened the first two buttons on my shirt, taking your hand and guiding it to the exposed skin. I let out a long moan when your hand instantly began wandering over my chest, up to my neck and the back down. I opened the remaining buttons and stripped out of the shirt, while your hungrily watch me. It gave me a nice feeling knowing that you still wanted me, that you still craved for me in that way.  
I got up and you had to let your hands drop down from my chest for a few seconds. I saw you bit your lower lip, probably expecting more. Without hesitation I opened my pants and let them slid down to the floor, while a smirk formed on your lips as you noticed I still didn’t like to wear and underwear. I approached you, ignoring my hardening member who was in need for some friction and instead concentrated on you. I leaned a bit and placed a few small, brief kissed on your plumped and soft lips, removing the t-shirt you were wearing in a calculated motion right after. Your hands stretched towards my body as if you wanted to bring me closer, but I brushed them off, preparing to remove your jeans and free your bulge that was now visible.  
You helped me with that, lifting your hips a bit as my mouth landed on your navel, licking a bit, in a teasingly motion. I heard your groan and it send shivers down my body, the growing lust spreading all over my insides. I kneeled between your legs and I took you wholly inside my mouth as soon as I removed the last layer of clothes and you shuddered at the contact, swearing in English as I immediately began to suck and lick every part of your rock hard member. Your hands slid down in my hair, ruffling it and grabbing it a bit harder whenever the tip of your length reached the back of my throat.  
Without a warning you stopped me, pulling me up to reach your level and crushed your lips against mine. You said once again how much you missed me as I took the hint and straddled your lap. I really missed your touch, your kisses, your everything. I threw my head back in pure pleasure as our members rubbed against in each other in the most delicious friction ever. You attacked my neck, one of your hands caressing all over my chest and the side of my body as the other was directed to my mouth. Two fingers passed my open lips and I immediately started sucking them, coating them with saliva as best as I could.  
I took a deep breath to prepare myself for the intrusion as you brought the slick fingers to my asscheeks, using the free hand to spread them apart for better access. You rocked your hips up for a few more times gaining more friction as you circled my rear entrance with a slick finger. You brought your free hand to my our lengths and you began stroking them lightly as you once again attacked the skin of my neck, using also your teeth to gently bite this time around.  
I moaned hard as the first finger slipped inside me, long and slick, gentle and eager just as I remembered. You increased the pace of the strokes on our cocks and I could feel your twitch in the exact moment your finger started to move inside me. The second digit followed as soon as my moans intensified and you began stretching me. Has it always been so hot and enticing? Has it always feel so good? Those were the only coherent thoughts I could think of in that moment, right before you pulled both of your fingers our and grabbed a hold of my ass cheeks.  
Through half closed eyes, clouded by lust and love, you watched me, waiting for my cue. I bend down and engaged in a sloppy kiss as I raised my lower body giving you the cue to continue. Smearing the pearly precum all over your length you positioned it at the same level with my entrance and pushed a little bit, only the tip of it sliding in. I moaned into the kiss and lowered myself on it, feeling the hardness of it and secretly enjoying how much you seemed to want me. Your tongue inside my mouth stopped his devilish dance once you were buried to the hilt in the tightness of my walls.  
I took this chance and sucked a bit on your sleek muscle, eliciting moans right into the kiss, almost missing the shudder running through your body. I started moving up and down, slowly, your hands guiding me from where they rested on my ass cheeks. You squeezed a bit, rocking your hips to meet my movements as they sped up. You were so close and I could feel it. I brought one of my hands to my erection and stroked it in the same pace with our thrusts, moaning and whimpering into yet another passionate kiss.  
I could feel sweat drops sliding down my face and the lack of air made me finally pull back, throwing my head back as the warm feeling in my stomach grew bigger and bigger. Your bucked your hips harder, trying to reach deeper inside me, hitting my sensitive spot over and over, sending ripples of pleasure all over my body. You attacked my neck and once again picked up the pace, still guiding my movements also with your hands, a devilish dance that brought us over the edge. I cried out your name as I came hard into my hand, my vision blurring from the amount of pleasure spreading through my system. A few thrusts later and I could feel your warm liquid inside, your body shuddering as you groaned shamelessly against my neck.  
I felt limp over your body, panting hard, heartbeat increased to the point where I thought it would explode. I said I loved you and you replied, wrapping your arms around my body in an assurance gesture. And there wasn’t any wound on my heart anymore, not when you were mine, when you were close to me, when we were one.

~Eternal~

You kept telling me our bond it’s eternal and I always believed you, even though it might not sound that way. My insecurities and fears, the jealousy or the pain I felt through the years still couldn’t make me believe otherwise. Yes, I had my doubts, but in my heart I knew there was this connection that no one can break. I thought that, as long as I love you, it didn’t even matter if you still loved me back, because in my heart and in my mind, the bond will still remain unaltered.  
Along the years, you showed me how easily we can go from bliss to depression and still care for each other in the end. We succeeded to hide this relationship so many years, yet it still continued to grow, we continued to make it grow by surpassing all the obstacles in our way. If someone asked me when I was younger if love it’s all it takes to make a relationship work, I would’ve answered definitely yes. Years after, I’m sure I was naïve and wrong back then. Because it takes much more than that, it takes patience, forgiveness, communication to create a beautiful one.  
Say, Jin. Do you still think love it’s more than enough? You once told me that, when we were discussing how we were going to deal with your leaving to London. I must agree that love it’s definitely a big part of this, but it’s not enough. Not when you have complicated lives like ours, when paparazzi are on our tails, when we even lied to our friends and families about not having ‘that kind’ of relationship. I might worry too much, I admit, but… To be able to make it ‘eternal’, our bond needs to be tightened in time. We can’t be the same kids who thought that a kiss solved everything or a handjob in the locker room was more than enough to keep it alive and forever.

~Seasons~

I always saw you as the first one to get married and have kids. You’re just that kind of type while I’m not, not by far. I can’t say it didn’t come a surprise to me when you said you’ll do it. And I can deny that in the depths of my heart, I still hoped that one day, when we would be older and wiser, we could fly to New York and get married ourselves. But it’s not working this way, not in our world, unfortunately.  
A new year arrived and I was still wrapped up in your arms, the tiredness from the earlier concert taking its toll on my body. We greeted the shy sunrays of the first day of the year together, limbs entangled and messy bodies from a previous love making session. You let the bliss dissipate in the air before you told me your crazy plan. You said you were taking the next step, one that could solve all of our problems. You told me you were getting married. I felt my body going stiff and the pang in my heart almost left me breathless. Then you proceeded to explain how you told her about us and she was fine with it, marrying a man who could never love her as a husband should. Of course, a lot of things started forming inside my head, but you didn’t gave me any chance to voice them out as you continued to explain, your hold on my body tightening, not leaving me room to shift if only a bit.  
You continued, telling me how this was a win-win situation, for us on one hand as we could bury the Akakame rumors once and for all and we could finally meet as hang out without the fear of a papparozzo snapping a picture of us. As for her, you told me she needed to clear her reputation and that was the best way to do it. You also told me a secret that wasn’t yours to tell, how one of your friends screwed up big time by sleeping with her without even using any kind of protection, even though they weren’t officially dating or anything. You spoke to her and apparently she was late, but that wasn’t a confirmation that a baby might be on the way. It wasn’t until later I found out that detail was also true.  
You were right, the situation brought a lot advantages to us, as a couple, but I still find this whole plan to be absolutely insane. Not to mention the pain it would cause me. How was I to cope with the fact that in front of everyone she will be your lover, your better half, while you swore I was that for only the two of us plus her to know? It was beyond the limit of my understanding, but I promised I’ll try to understand you.  
And you know why? Because I would rather be with you that way than being nothing at all. Not when I finally came at peace with my heart and my feeling; not when my heart has finally stopped bleeding. If that was the only way I could have you, if I could only call you mine in the intimacy of my bedroom, I would take that. Just like I did for many years before, I would continue doing it.  
I voiced out my opinion to you when I felt it would really work; when all the rumors weren’t directed to us anymore, when no paparazzi was following my car around the town all day long. The ‘date’ you had with her done the trick, the wheels started to work. I still had my doubts about it, but I really hoped it would be all right. And it was, more than all right except for the fact that you asked me to be your whiteness. That I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t see you getting married to someone else and wishing I was her…  
When the official statement was all over the news I was at work, wrapping for the day with the rehearsals. I knew you were in the building, a few stories up, in the boss’s office. I was really worried of the repercussions, so much that I felt cold sweat slipping down my spine. I knew you weren’t doing it for your own good or for hers only. The main reason was us. It was about us from the start, when you first come up with this plan. 

~Sun Burns Down~

Say, Jin. Do you remember our first time in Okinawa?  
Our first kiss in a tent set on the beach, our first time making love in a hotel years later and now… now here we are again. Back to where it all started.  
In the midst of the scandal with your wedding, we took our time to enjoy one another. Here, on the sand, our bodies entangled in the sweet embrace of the rising sun. This place holds a special meaning to us, like it did from the start when we were so young and clueless about life. I’m not saying we’re not all mature and knowledgeable, I’m just pointing out the long way we took to get where we are now.  
No one needs to know about us, except of these silent witnesses; the sea, the sun and the sand beneath us. Tackey was right, our bond it’s stronger than anything, stronger than life itself if we went to that extent to keep it unharmed. We didn’t do the right things over the years, we wronged each other and the people around us so much. But if, after all that’s happened between us and around us, I still shiver when your lips touch mine, I think it’s worth it.  
You take my hand into yours, kissing the back of it before you press butterfly kisses on top of each of my fingertips. I giggle like a schoolgirl who’s on her first date and you flash your bright smile at me. You look happy, at last, in the light of the morning sun your face almost glowing and your eyes filled with love. The wind bows and your already messy locks fell into your face. I stretch my hand, removing some strands from your eyes, revealing that beautiful features of yours, before caressing your cheeks.  
“I love you so much!” you confess and my heart flutters in my chest.  
“Really? How much?” I ask you, teasingly, drawing a line down your face until the jawline.  
“More than I can love myself. And I’ll love you until the sun burns down.” You reply with warmth, pressing your forehead against mine. You smile and gluing our lips together, you once again take my hand into yours.  
We broke the kiss and watch the sun fully raised into the sky, blessing another February day with its rays. It’s warm and beautiful, as it always been in your arms.  
“Happy Birthday, my love.” You whisper into my ear with so much love that my heart can barely take it.  
“I love you.” I finally say it, pressing my back into your chest. “I’ll always love you.”

~THE END~


End file.
